Thursday, 21 December 2017

Seasons greetings from Han

Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace according to thy word.
For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,
Which thou hast prepared before the face of all people;
To be a light to lighten the Gentiles and to be the glory of thy people Israel.

Five minutes and forty nine seconds of inner peace with Nunc Dimittis by Arvo Pärt. Divine music I only discovered yesterday at a Christmas concert. I recommended it to a friend, and said to her, don't listen to it when you are feeling sad, because it will only make you cry, it is that beautiful.

I want to rejoin with some divine music, because music have the unique quality of transferring emotions that you cannot say, and only feel.

The holidays are just about to begin.
First let me say, or say it again, I love Christmas and the time between our Sinterklaas (5 December) and the end of the month. It's such a nice thought that when the days get shorter and the more hours we live in the dark, the people are decorating their houses with lights. We put all the stuff in our house away and replace it with Christmas decorations. In most homes you might think the woman in the instigator of these things, but in our home it is me.
Last year we did not have a tree in our home and no decorations at all. We were busy making the house for our daughter liveable enough for her to stand on her own. Now you know she has some physical limitations, so it was great that we could do that for her. And also it completed one of our goals in life to make a home for her where she wouldn't be dependent on us. But that was last year. This year we made it up and my Christmas Tree is really nice this year. Each year I buy a new ornament for my tree. This year it was a pretty little angel.

This has been a tough year. I am not going to repeat the stuff I have told you already. Like a friend of mine said: Stories about health are so boring. And she was right. Maybe not political correct, but so right. If you do not believe me listen to people talking in public transport or in the waiting room of a doctor. To two people who tell each other in minute detail of their illnesses. You see? So I'm so not going to do that again. But I cannot deny it had a big effect on my life this year.

Being overworked and overtired is not easy on anyone. I'm not very special, nor unique. It happens. It happens to a lot of people. But I am not most people. I am the Dominant partner in this relationship and I subconsciously always write Dominant with a capital D, smile. And I know she doesn't blame me for letting go and not performing like I feel I should, but that doesn't make it more easy. The problem is that there is no lacking of wanting, the wanting was still there, it was the body that was for a long time too tired. Too tired to pick up even a glass and bring it to the kitchen. (And yes, I am used to bringing my own dirty stuff to the kitchen :-) ) Too tired to do what you love, love, love most. That was not so very easy.

The second thing that I had to face this year is the perfectionism. Yes, I know, perfectionists are more likely to burn out, compared to those that are more easy going. I wanted to do it all. Smile. Very much like the stereotype of a modern housewife. We have to do it all, and we have to do it well. I had to work harder this year than ever before, I had to make my daughter a liveable house, I had to be a nice partner, I had to be a good friend, I had to be a stern Dominant, and I had to write a blog every single fucking day. And stayed up late to write the last minute posts. And I felt I had to write more interesting posts. Witch took more time, and that meant I worked until late, until the next day and write another post.

No, you are right.Nobody was forcing me to do so. And yes, I agree that nobody would have cared less if the posts were not every day at 00:01 posted... (My best friend told me that her daughter told her that amongst the young it is well known that if you put three dots after a sentence it means that you want to have sex... OK, too old for that, we learned at school something else) Anyway, I know I did it to myself, but as the most things in life, you don't know what you do, until you are presented the bill of life and you will have to pay the price.
It is life.We might know it with a brain, but that does not stop us, that didn't stop me, from doing the things I shouldn't do.

I tried to pick it up again, saying to myself that I still loved to blog, and that once a week I could make time for writing something or even post a bloody picture that somehow appealed to me. And somehow I just couldn't bring myself in doing just that. It reminded me too much I think about the moments I felt stressed out to make my daily comments on life. Is it not strange and weird how the brain works? It  is, Han.
Do I know I don't have to feel guilty about not posting for a while? Of course I know, dummy. Of course I know it is all inside of my head. Of course I know it is just a blog and not life or death situation. Of course I know writing is just an expression of my own feelings and thoughts. And that not putting them on paper has no effect on still having feelings and thoughts.

But why do I still feel that way, if I know so well?

It is the season of reflections. It is the season to look back. But with looking back the other side of the coin, looking in front of us, is just as part of this time of year. What will be in stall for us. What is going to happen next year and what will I do and not do next year? Questions that needs to be answered with the wisdom of looking back. And you know what they say about looking back, looking back is always easy. In hindsight you always know how you should have acted. So I promised myself this year not to add to my own felt pressure. I decided that I forgive myself for not blogging every day, or week, or month. I decided that the best chance that I would get to be myself, was to just let it go. And see what the Divine Beloved had in stall for me.

And letting go is for someone that LOVES to be in control hard to do obviously. This is true for most perfectionists, it is certainly true for most Dominants. And yet the lesson I have learned this rough year was to learn how to let go.

And that might be the most beautiful present beneath the Christmas tree this year.

I wish you all a merry Christmas and a wonderful, safe, healthy new year.


  1. Oh, my dear friend....hearing from you is a wonderful Christmas present for me. I have wondered about you, did not want to intrude. I stopped blogging for a bit this year also...and am finding my way back. Letting go is soo difficult, acceptance of what we can and cannot do is a difficult lesson. I hope to hear from you more often in the coming year...I am not ready to let go of you...
    hugs abby

    1. Smile. Thank you for your kind words, Abby. It is so nice of you to say so. I hope that our words drop across each other in 2018 many times in friendship.
      May your days be merry and bright, for you and your loved ones, included of course the one you love most,


  2. Letting Go and Letting God is the best present you could give yourself and those you love.
    Wonderful to hear from you and as we get older the time goes by so quickly it's easy to lose track so fear not - most of us don't realize how much time has gone by until someone reminds us.
    You and Wanita have a wonderful holiday with blessings to you and your family.

    1. Is it wonderful to read your words again Leigh. Thank you for your thoughtful comment as always.
      Thank you for your nice wishes.
      No man is a failure who has friends ("It's a Wonderful Life" (1946))

      May your days be filled with joy Leigh.


  3. It's good hearing from you. I know I've let time go by and with it my blog. Maybe I'll come back to it. For now it has slipped away. Wishing you and your family a merry Christmas,
    Hugs del

    1. It is very nice to see your feather once more, DelFonte. I hope all is well. Thank you for your wishes, and let me give those wishes heartfelt back to you and those who love you.


  4. What a wonderful post with a lits of wisdom !
    Yes, Han, we learn new things about us all life.
    I had problemnwith with My account , bu now is it fixed .
    Have a Merry Christmas, Han!

    Mona Lisa

    1. BTW , I forgot say:
      What a beautiful music!
      Thank you.

      Mona Lisa

    2. Ah, thank you Mona Lisa for your kind words, as ever. I am glad you like the music as well! Have yourself a merry little Christmas.



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