Sunday, 5 July 2015

Expectations

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them. 

Sometimes I expect to much of people. Sometimes I copy my own values, Standards, ethics, morals, conduct and conscience to other people and I'm disappointed in them. The more I like the person, the deeper the disappointment. There was a time and age where my rights were right and the other rights were wrong. But live learns you that it is too easy too just close the door and that will be the end of it.
Rationally I understand that no two people are the same, not taking into account the circumstances could be all different. And that my morals are different than other peoples beliefs and ethics. Different does not mean mine are better or stronger or more empathic just.... different you know.
Emotionally I cannot understand it at all. I am angry. Furious. I feel betrayed in my trust in them and it make me feel oh so sad.

Some people are an example. The paragon of conduct. But no pedestal can hold that weight and sooner or later they are just as human as you are. No person can live up to an example role. No person is role model. 

I had to think of that as a person I truly admired for taking care of his wife who slowly died of a painful disease. This conduct was for me the sublimation of love. He took leave of his work to take care of her, really care for her. For many, many months they were a unit, inseparable. And after they were separated for the last time, I heard that in the last months of his wife's illness he had found a girlfriend and they lived together now, as a couple, after a few months his wife died. 

No man is an archetype of virtue, honour or integrity. And mine fell of his pedestal with an audible blow in my face. Later I came to realize this behaviour is not uncommon at all. Later I came to realize there are circumstances I cannot understand or see that should be weighed into judgement.

So I quit judging. And I found these beautiful words by a man who is called Adyashanti, and they have become my mantra in life. The words are just casual there in a whole lot of other words and you have to search for them to find them, but if you have found them you will never forget them:

"What you actually love is most truly reflected in your actions, not in what you feel, think or say."

10 comments:

  1. Some men don't do well alone Han. This is not a slam against men, but even though we are more emotional I think we are stronger - maybe not physically but better able to go it alone.

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    1. I guess you are right Leigh. But I happen to know some man who don't do well alone and still choose to simply because the thought of someone else is unthinkable for them.
      I agree with your point of view that women as a whole are emotional stronger than man.

      So each man - or woman - is accountable for his/her actions. Because it is not about what they feel, think or say, it is about what they do.

      I appreciate your comment Leigh,
      Han

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  2. Ah Han...I am so sorry you wee disappointed by your friend. I have seen this with several people...both men and women. Personally, I think it is because seeing someone you love in pain and dying is so overwhelming and painful that you need comfort. And the person you would normally turn to for comfort is the person you are trying to comfort and care for. Some people can handle this by turning to friends and family for strength and comfort but many times, friends and family are looking to them for comfort.

    Here's something my dad said as I was growing up if I ever tried to judge someone..."“Walk a mile in that man’s (woman, girl, boy...you get the idea) shoes before you even think about judging his actions! And after that, don't judge unless you know the whole story and even if you know the story, who are you to pass judgment?" He did have a way of keeping me humble. ;)

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Your dad must have been a fine man, Cat. It was a wise lesson to pass on, and it seems he did that very well indeed.

      Who hurts the most, and who needs the most comfort? Does it depend on the ability to handle grief? I don't know, Cat, I honestly don't know. All I know is that is hurts, all I know it that knowing that there are two sides to every coin, doesn't diminish any of that pain.

      Because each man - or woman - is accountable for his/her actions. And it is not about what they feel, think or say, it is about what they do.

      I appreciate your comment Cat,
      Han

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  3. You are a wise man now, Han.

    appy

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    1. You give me too much credit Appy, I don't feel very wise right now. But any lesson presented in life is only useful if you are prepared to learn from it. And maybe do better next time.
      So it is not what I feel, think or say in this blog, Appy. It's really about what I do. And what I do is not always the personification of Wisdom.

      I appreciate your comment very much, Appy, it was nice of you to say so.
      Han

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  4. I have learned also....that judging others by my standards and beliefs will lead to disappointment...or worse, losing opportunities to learn and grow. But still, often, i shake my head in wonder....
    hugs abby

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    1. Smile, the tag under this post was from the beginning "personal growth". It's about making mistakes and learn from it Abby, like you said. But it's not just wonderment in shaking my head, it's often from the pain itself. It hurts.

      But in the end each man - or woman - is accountable for his/her actions. Because it is not about what they feel, think or say, it is about what they do.

      I appreciate your comment, Abby
      Han

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  5. All people inside knows what OS right and what is wrong.
    Is it wrong or vice versa strength to stand for what is right and wrong?
    Or can everybody do as it fits their ego?

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    1. Everybody does in fact as it fits their ego, Mona Lisa. And I think deep inside they have a sense what would be the right thing to do, or not.
      Is it wrong to tell them how it makes you feel? No I suppose not. Will it help? I doubt it because deep inside they hear what they already know.
      Is it a sign of strength to stand for your own morals and values? I honestly don't know Mona Lisa. I know that on many issues big changes would not have taken place if people would not have stood up for their own integrity. But the point that Cat's father made is a valuable lesson in life: It's only a sign of strength if you have walked a mile or so in the shoes of the other.

      It doesn't answer your question, I think. I only know that in the end each man - or woman - is accountable for his/her actions. Because it is not about what they feel, think or say, it is about what they do.

      I appreciate your comment, Mona Lisa
      Han

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