Monday, 18 May 2015

Vulnerability

This very famous Ted Talk, watched almost 2 million times on Ted talks alone, is by Brene Brown. A friend send it over to me a lifetime ago and said: "you've got to watch this". And I did and we talked at great length about the question "am I worth of love and belonging".
For those of you who have not the time to see the whole 20 minutes, Miss Brown starts with investigating shame:

" And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."
 "if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. "
 The talk goes on and explains that people that think they are worthy of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect:
"The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental."
 She ends this thought provoking talk with what would be the result of vulnerability:
"to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."



I had to think about this talk today following Cat's post of yesterday. And today again I answered the question: Am I worthy of love and belonging? 

Do you have that sense of worthiness? Deep down inside? 

Don't answer. But the answer is important. It didn't change my life, it didn't change my life like "there was life before Brene Browns speech and after", but it did make me think and rethink about my vulnerability.

6 comments:

  1. I am and I do. It does make one think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, the question of worthyness and belonging is old. And needs to be rethought every once in a while.

      Thank you for your comment,
      Han

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  2. Thank you for sharing this with us, Han.
    So many wise words..

    Take care,
    Mona Lisa

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    Replies
    1. Yes they are wise words indeed Mona Lisa. Vulnerability is very powerful, yet so scary...

      Thank you for your comment,
      I really appreciate it,

      Han

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  3. Wow Han...thank you for sharing this thought provoking article...this is one I really need to listen to a few more times...every time I listen to it, I hear something else. Sorry I'm late to the party. ;)

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    Replies
    1. You are never too late, Cat. I appreciate your comment. The thought in your head: Am I worthy of love and belonging and if so am I prepared to be so vulnerable to let the good and the bad in as two sides of the same coin?

      It is one of the answers to a question that really counts, Cat.
      Enjoy your ponderings,

      Han

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