Friday, 12 December 2014

I said I was SORRY

I said I was SORRY, my Wanita said to me one day. Even experienced sub missives cannot apologize properly sometimes. Or prettily as I call it often. It is not strange, people are not thought nowadays what a proper apology looks like. 

The power shift between two people never is so evident after the dominant finds something that the submissive did wrong. Often this just used as a starting point to begin a BDSM-play situation. The "offence" is often a minor mistake and fair or not, the submissive will apologize for her "bad" behavior. Fairness is important however but that path leads to another post. 
So in daily life a proper apology is important, in a D/s relationship even more so. Too often the sub gets away with a mumbled "I'm sorry." Time to have a look at the basic requirements of a pretty apology:

A pretty apology is:

1. A detailed description of what has happened. If you describe the " offence" in detail, the sub makes it clear that she knows in what situation she hurt her Dom. Just concentrate on WHAT went wrong. Not WHY of WHO or a justification or rationalisation. Not: "I'm sorry, but you made me ..." Just describe what has happened. 

2. Recognition. Say: " I know I hurt you with that." or in your own words with recognition of the damage that has been done. In a minor offence this seems extremely overdone, and even might look silly. But it is not. It is the essence of a Dom/Sub relation. Those words reflect the humility in the speaker and an acknowledgement of the very nature of their relationship.

3. Take responsibly. Say what you should have done, but didn't do, say what you did wrong and you see it is your fault it's gone wrong. The body language should match the words. If the apology is not sincere the body language will tell. Always. If there are rules between you and your sub about postures, follow them to the letter. If there aren't  eyes looking to the ground, on the knees is a safe way of proper submission. 

4. Say you are sorry. Say it from the heart. In whatever words come to you.

5. Ask for forgiveness. It doesn't matter if the offence was deliberate or not. What has been done has been done. After you said you are sorry for that you ask your Dom for forgiveness. Again that may seem overdone in situations. But again it is the Dom that decides what is needed for his or her forgiveness.
6. Ask what you can do to repair the damage. And that is your opening to a play situation where after whatever has been done, the Dom thinks that should be done, the Dom can forgive and all is forgiven and on both sides forgotten.
OK, I can hear the question coming, but what about the Dom, if he is wrong? Doms are people and people make mistakes. And grown up Dominants apologize for their mistake. In a way it is more easy to the submissive. She is granted forgiveness.
The Dom is the only person that can forgive himself. Even if he is forgiven by his submissive, he, or she, is ultimately the one that can forgive himself.


  1. Hey my opinion, these are actually good steps for anyone apologizing...not just subs.

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. You are SO right Cat, these are just common sense rules in any situation. They are guidelines even bishop Tutu uses in his book about forgiveness.

      The thing that is bothing me is that nobody seems to use a few well thought sentences in a row. The word choice, even in books is very limited and mostly in the same platitudes.
      A bit like why say more than sorry if sorry says it all?

      And my point was that sorry only says a tiny bit of it.
      You were wonderful to comment Cat,


  2. I'm not an experienced sub and I've never given much thought to saying more than I'm sorry. I don't apologize though unless I sincerely mean it and I hope the apology is taken in the spirit in which it is given.

    Your points are well taken..

    1. LOL on the first line before "and" . Point taken. of course what you say makes perfect sense in daily life. But would you agree with me that learning to apologize is one of the core competences of a submissive and hence, should be practiced and carried out to perfection?

      You know, if it's in one type of relation relevant it is in the D/s relation.
      I think...

      Thank you for your comment Leigh,


    2. Intresant post.
      Vad are most important?
      Words or feeling behind the words "Sorry"?
      ok, I understand that words can be important. Then you just have to agree on which rules for forgivness apply in a D / s relationship.

      What is the difference between Doms and subs sense to forgive and be forgiven? In my eyes, it is same.
      Doms is grantef forgivness from sun, sub, is grantef förgivnes from Dom. There is good. B
      But WHAT if they cannot forgive themselves ... that is the question,
      Why do you think that it us only Doms who may have difficulty. to forgive yourself? What if it is sub? Therefore I say that a clean slate is forgiveness .. especially forgive yourself . It us same for Doms and subs

      I liked your post.
      Take care,
      Mona Lisa

    3. In a vanilla relation the feelings count. The words are not as important. In a D/s relation however, feelings count, and the right words count. It is a ritual as well as a genuine apology. I agree people can make and change that rules as they see fit to them.

      Ah, the difference in forgiveness. I understand you come to you last line conclusion, but I disagree. The difference is is the power shift and the responsibilities that go with it. It is too much to explain it like this, but I will write a separate blog post about it, to explain what I mean with that.

      In the meanwhile, I thank you for your thoughtful comment, Mona Lisa,


  3. I like this post a lot Han! :) And I agree with Cat, that these are good steps for any relationship. It is looking at the problem, apologizing with integrity, accepting responsibility and making changes or fixing things moving forward. All this without added "noise" to make light of the event.

    I can see what you mean about all this playing an even grater role in the ttwd dynamic. This is nice to think about. Thanks for posting! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    1. Thank you Katie, I agree, a heartfelt excuse is important in a relationship and neither partners should be afraid for saying it. Yet is doesn't happen often does it?

      Thanks for your comment,

  4. So interesting. But as Cat and Katie have stated, all these are important steps to consider in an apology.

    There are two points I would make, though. Firstly, when I apologise I look the person in the eyes. Believe me, it is so much harder than staring at the ground. I want the person to know I am telling the truth. I have slipped up, and now must bear the consequences of my actions.

    The second point is that I have noticed that it is only since we started TTWD that Dan has recognised that sometimes it is he who is in the wrong, and he ALWAYS apologises to me. Instead of feeling resentful, it makes me more willing than ever to please him.

    I have heard it said that by trying to be submissive it feeds the dominance in your partner. Submission is something I find extremely difficult. I am full of fire. But an apology is an apology, and a loving and truthful apology is the best thing ever.

    Thank you for writing such interesting posts, Han. I really enjoy reading them, even though I am not able to read all of them.


    1. So few people know how to apologize these days. Had a nice example of it last week at work, so yes, these rules apply in daily life as well.

      Looking in the eyes. Well said, Ami. In a D/s relation it is also acceptable to look to the ground. Depends on the preference of the Dominant. Some Doms makes looking in the eye insecure. LOL. There is nothing like pulling the face up by the hair to have her look you in the eye. Smile.

      Wonderful that Dan apologizes. You have a wonderful husband. Grown up Dominants are not afraid to admit they were wrong. And there is nothing wrong with that Ami.

      Thank you for your insightful comments, Ami. I appreciate each and every one of them...



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