Monday, 6 October 2014

Trust



Ami wrote a wonderful post on her blog yesterday on the subject of trust. And essentially she wrote that she found out her man even if he was angry with her always stayed within her limits ans so, even if she got spanked for being naughty, even if he got really angry he was always in control of his actions.

Ami said also the subject is not addressed much in blogposts. Mmm, maybe. There are so many blogs... But anyway maybe from the opposite POV I might contribute to the discussion.

Trust has to be earned, you cannot promise it, you cannot give it, you cannot take it. It comes by itself. And suddenly, like in Ami's case you find it's just there. Just like that. It has to build, trust, layer by layer.

The first layer, the foundation if you want, is Consent. Consent to me is the freely given and accepted control over the situation for a fixed period of time to your partner. Consent is never under any preasure. Free to give, free to withdraw. Free of emotional blackmail: If you don't want to play, you don't love me anymore.

The next layer is Love. People who just meet and barely know eachother are not in love, but in lust. And Lust is hot and very satisfying, exciting and dangerous. That is why people love the feeling of falling in lust. And that's a good thing because that crazy attraction you feel, builds into love. You disagree about something, and making up is as satisfying as the fight itself. It's not Love. Love is built on going to tough descisions together, tough questions you give the same answer to. Maybe love is not build on joy, but also on grief?

And most people end here. Really for most people this is what life is all about. And that's good. For them. But not for us. No cherie, we had to make it more difficult to add something more to that: to accept physical pain as a symbol of love. It is a deep need within ourselves. And we need a man or a woman with the opposite deep need to make us complete. Now, what are the odds at that huh? It's not difficult to find a man that wants 'domination'. It's in a guys DNA to want that. But often it ends in disappointment (not enough) or in abuse (too much). Nobody wants to be abused. Nobody should be abused. Only cowards abuse women because they are stronger in physique and a coward is not worthy of being called a man.

So in trust we built the next layer: confidence and restraint. You have to be confident to give yourself to him - or her of course whatever applies - and have the confidence he will show restraint in what you can take. That is what Ami's post is about, she found that even when her Dan is angry he doesn't spank her more than she can take.

From my POV that presents me with the dilemma: What if I am only human and make a mistake? Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. The difficulty with trust is that it takes years to build, and all that earned trust can be gone out of the window, zoeffff, gone, finito in a moment. I am not a God. I'm a human being and make as many mistakes, or more, than the next guy. It's called life. Good for you if you have a perfect man, but I know I'm not.

So how do we, as a couple for many years, deal with that and not crumble into pieces with every mistake I make? Well, I found out there are two things that work. The first one is communication and the second is safeword.

Communication. My woman thought that I knew what she was thinking. About her limits, about her secret passion, about stopping at the right time, about adding 'dirty' words as stimulation, about ab-so-lu-te-ly no-go activities. And she was annoyed with me that I didn't knew. She'd dropped a line in the middle of a conversation, she did make a vague comment, so how could it be that it was so clear to her and not for me! Like most guys I need to talk about this in plain words, and that was one of our problems. We 'played' often enough, but how many times have we sat on the kitchen table and talked about it? Not once. And it was really difficult without the arousal, without the passion to talk you know. Red cheeks on both sides of the table here! Still, surely it's irrelevant what I found in her head, but let's say I'd never expected THAT. So we learned to talk. And it's as difficult as learning a new language.

Safeword. I sometimes said that her safeword is more for me than it is to her. Sometimes even my beloved can take a lot, sometimes even a few slaps are too much. That is not the same as 'not in the mood', but rather being in an emotional turmoil and she uses her safeword to let me know. I can't see in her head so her safeword is of tremendous value to me. I know that she doesn't use her safeword to chicken out (she's proud of her submission) she uses it when she really can't go on. It gives me trust and confidence in myself.

There is a third layer of trust and that is of not physical but mental: humiliation, it is total surrender to someone's wishes and commands. It's something I may have more problems with than my better half. It really rocks the subject of consent, and that is my foundation remember? Almost all initiatives come from her. Maybe it has to do with a modest degree of exhibitionism, maybe with being proud of being what she is. I don't ask her everything, some things can stay private. Until she is ready to share. Maybe there are even layers behind this one as well. I don't know, for I have never seen behind this layer of trust.

Layers.

10 comments:

  1. Can I add to this a little. The part where everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes do not always break the trust that is earned from years of loving and living and learning together. If I can't trust that Ty will make a mistake, then he has not earned my trust.
    The place he and I are in now is not so simple. But if Ty goes to far in discipline, or does something like that, he is forgiven and no trust is broken. It was a mistake. I trust that he will make mistakes and I trust that he will always do his best. That to me is one of the layers that makes it all work.
    I love the way you and your wife interact and how you are willing to share with us your point of view (man's perspective). Thank you

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    1. I know how complicated life may seem sometimes Blondie, and I know you'll work it out. Sure, I worry a bit about you, but I didn't write this piece with you in my mind.
      Thank YOU, for your comment as always I appreciate your honesty and lack of drama queen behaviour.

      Take care of yourself and those who love you,

      Han

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  2. Very nice post, an extension of Ami's. We are all so different and viva la difference.

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    1. Viva la difference, pronounce diefferance, not diffference, Yes you are right of course, there is no one solution for all problems (thank God). So we each find our own. And sharing them so people can choose from that whatever they like.

      Thank you for your comment Leigh, I appreciate it,

      Han

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  3. Beautifully said Han! Definitely added to what Ami had to say. Thanks so much for expanding the topic.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thank YOU, Cat for your compliment. I'm glad you think my infinitesimal thoughts add to the discission.

      Thank you for your comment Cat, much appreciated,

      Han

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  4. It is always great to see bloggers build on each others thoughts. It makes this place so interesting to visit. I do like your layers and how trust is multifaceted.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, but the Ami's blogpost was too good not to comment on further.

      Thank you for your comment DelFonte, I value your opinion.

      Han

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  5. I am honoured that you felt able to write some more on the subject of trust. Thank you so much, Han.

    These layers of trust definitely take a very long time to build. They don't appear overnight. But then, everything of value, takes longer to acquire than something that has little meaning.

    Thank you, my friend, for sharing your thoughts in such a good post.

    Hugs
    Ami

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    Replies
    1. I only added to your post Ami, thank you for the inspiration.

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